Nothing could be fine-ah than to avoid the China Dine-ah

 As we churned along Route 9 through Lisbon, Leeds, South Monmouth, West Gardiner snaking our way across the bridge in Gardiner on to Augusta and up route 3, we passed modest trailers, Mom and Pop convenience stores and church marquees proclaiming “Autumn leaves, Jesus doesn’t”, our stomachs grumbled as we gazed out into the serene yet stagnant landscape of south central….Maine.  We had been planning on trying this place out based on the legendary reviews of former and current associates. However, the experience was mediocre at best.  We were anticipating a true diner experience but the building resembled a run-of-the-mill steakhouse and the interior barnlike – not exactly a diner gestalt.  After confirming that, yes indeed, breakfast was still being served since it was now roughly 10:50 a.m., we were herded into a dimly lit booth.  I noted the squeeze bottles filled with watery ketchup and Log Cabin syrup and the customary caddy of Smuckers jelly.  I thought “did I really drive all this way for this”.

Our heavily made-up waitress approached us and predictably quipped “Can I start you off with something to drink?”  “Coffees”?  Of course we simultaneously chimed yes to which she twittered some nonsensical repartee.  And off she went in search of coffee which was delivered promptly but was notably luke warm.  We perused the plasticized menu.  Pancakes? Check.  French toast? Check. Nothing stood out except that the corned beef hash and the baked beans were listed as “homemade”.  I really didn’t see anything that looked appealing to me so I did my best to decode the specials listed on the chalkboard and asked her to decipher them for me.  Some bizarrely-named variation on eggs benedict with crab cakes for $12.95 which was a bit too rich for my blood.  So, I decided to order a la carte.  Two eggs over medium, and of course the aforementioned homemade beans and corned beef hash.  (Those two items alone should make for an interesting 2-hour ride home).

My dining companion took a chance on the formidable China Sampler which included 2 large buttermilk pancakes from a box, two pieces of eggy French toast, 2 eggs over medium, greasy homefries, and a small piece of ham steak that seemed to have been basking on a grill for a while.  And the toast.  Let me begin by saying that when she took my order I didn’t mention toast. At. All. However, after placing my order within 1 minute she was BAACK to say “I forgot to ask you what kind of toast” to which I replied “I didn’t order any”.  Sooooo when the food arrived, she hands me a plate of toast and then makes a huge deal of letting me know how much of a freak I was to not have ordered by saying “ohhh you didn’t have toast”.  But then once I saw that it was clearly baked either on premises or nearby, I regretted not ordering it.  So I guess I was a bit of a freak in the end.  Haha.  Anyways, I ended up snagging a piece off my DC’s plate.  Mmmm.  Pretty darn good.  But, the baked beans were pretty darn boring – nothing like what I had expected as usual and at $2.65, a big disappointment. 

Oh and by the way, when she asked if we wanted anything else, I replied hot sauce to which she asked, is Tabasco okay and internally I fumed as I specifically avoided saying any brand because usually when I do, I get “is Pepsi ok” so I just tried to be as neutral as possible and it bit me in the ass. AGAIN.  So back to the food.  The beans came in this darling little bean pot and yes, they were cunnin’ but filled with blobs of salt pork which really could have been extracted prior to serving.  I reluctantly squirted the Log Cabin syrup on my beans as well as a healthy dollop of ketchup to give them the flavor they were clearly lacking.    Everything else was pretty uninspiring and our conversation turned to memorable eating experiences in the south where there is more variety on the menu and the food is really top-notch.

So, now the clock reads 11:00 a.m.  And yes, the food arrived really fast. Remember that we arrived at 10:50ish. So from sitting down to beginning our meal 10 minutes had elapsed.  Then our waitress comes over to present us with our check at 11:05.  And she says the standard waitress line “Take your time, I’ll take it when you’re ready” as we glanced at our nearly half full plates of food.  It wasn’t that busy and they had plenty of open tables.  So, a few minutes later, I get up to use the facilities and I come back to find my plate gone even though there was still food left (at least I didn’t have to endure the groan-inducing “Are you still working on that?) and my DC relayed to me an overheard conversation between another waitress and her customers where they asked her why they got their check so quickly to which she replied “We like to keep things moving” meaning that there is clearly some unpublished time limit to which you are expected to adhere.  Hmm. 

Well, we paid the check half-heartedly including a 15% gratuity and as we were exiting, a couple of young dine-ahs who preceded their parents remarked at how dark it was to which I silently concurred.  We avowed that it would have been 10 times better to have stayed within our geographic zone of Portland or even fry up some eggs in our own kitchen to spare us the agony of parting with hard-earned money and a forgettable experience.  Oh well guess we’ll chalk it up to experience and really lower our expectations in the future.

A few things to ponder:

Nothing could be fine-ah than to avoid the China Dine-ah

And….furthermore, if this restaurant is in China….is the fare served here known as Chinese food?